grow up, hexo!

I’m idling again.

The initial excitement of my new “job” has worn off nearly completely. We had so much to do at the beginning, all the ideas of setting up an identity, creating stationery and business cards and talking about the supporting tech we’d be using. I was even trying to think of the contributions that I could be making to the creative side of things.

This isn’t gone, but things have slowed down to a near halt. I’m called upon about once a week for a quick task.

I know that my new boss is a good guy, and he’s serious about making this business into a larger endeavor, but while he still has other work to do, this is somewhat on the back burner. During this period when I have so little to do for him, it’s hard to retain that initial inspiration I felt.

I’ve fallen back into the same old habits as always. Not that they were ever truly gone, but I was trying to be better. The apartment’s a mess, my spending habits are still ridiculous, and I’m still not doing much other than going to work and playing video games.

I think I need to create my own inspiration. I need to create some goals and reward myself for accomplishing them. I deserve better than I’m giving myself.

Today is a BEAUTIFUL day. A fine time to start. Again.

When I’m at home, I’m unable to get myself into a position where I’m not very quickly distracted and taken away from work I need to do. Part of the problem is my crippling addiction to the internet. I have but the one workspace at my apartment, and it’s right there in front of my computer.

I think I need to escape to a coffee shop or some such place to get some of my reading done. At least until I’m better absorbed into these books. It’s all so new to me.

Of course, even then, I’d probably need to turn off my goddamn iPhone, too. This is hard. Even when I was in school, I couldn’t do this.

Seems I’ve got to make a more than a few changes.

The biggest problem I’m running into lately is not having enough time or energy to get things done.

I’m so accustomed to not having any real responsibilities or duties when I leave work. My normal routine is trudge home, grab a six-pack, maybe a burger, plop down into my chair and do the computer/beer thing until around 1.30 AM.

Now that I have some real-life goals with real-life deadlines. I need to make use of my time after work. Also, mornings can’t be spent just drinking coffee and watching cartoons on the internet.

I need to be able to approach these times of day with a lot more energy than I’m used to having. I really need to acknowledge that I’m, um, “appreciating” beer WAY too often. I need to get more sleep. Daylight hours are few and precious lately, and I’m simply not getting as much out of them as I can.

It’s time to set up a routine and stick to it. Which I have NEVER been good at. But if I can’t get into the routine of good habits, I need to at least break the routine of bad habits I’ve fallen into. There’s just no way I’m going to make any progress this way.

I’m trying to write these things out so that I can better identify my problems and visualize my progress. #buzzwords

As I start with projects at this new job, it’s occurring to me just how little I know about design. And it’s frustrating

I stare at design blogs every day. I appreciate the artwork, and I can identify bad design. I’ve worked with design software for YEARS, but I just never have inspirations or projects to work on.

I’m thinking that if I’m going to be a success at this, I’m really going to need to kick it into gear, and GET MY ASS CREATIVE.

Just wish I knew how to get started.

Tonight, I plan on bludgeoning myself to death with InDesign tutorials.

It just occurred to me that I have a mentor.

An amazing thing has happened to me

I have been given the opportunity to grow into a professional adult. By a stranger.

For free.

Actually, better than that, for PAY.

I have been drifting along at my boring, irritating job for years now. I have zero education and zero ambition. The likelihood of me beginning a new career path or becoming anything more than I am was growing smaller every day.

Out of the blue, a contact I made at work called me. I had spoken to this man for about a total of 30 minutes between maybe 3 interactions. We were essentially strangers. This man was apparently impressed by our brief interactions. So he’s giving me a chance to help him start up a small marketing and communications company.

It’s understood that I possess only the basic skills to really start in this area, and I need a lot of training and help.

This is HUGE to me. This is a chance for me to really learn some new skills. This is a chance for me to learn to handle my responsibilities better. This is a chance for me to learn time management. 

I want to take this and just RUN with it. I want to use this opportunity to really become a respectable adult. I’m tired of being a 26-year-old 19-year-old. I’m tired of being a mess. I want to start getting things right for myself and the people around me. 

I’m excited about this. I want to do this right.

HOW? How do you, my friends manage to find motivation to do ANYTHING at all? I’m sitting here at my dead-end job that I HATE, wasting time and breath and spinal health. When I leave, I will do nothing. I will not contact my friends. I will not go out. I will do nothing except hope some terrible computer error has blessed me with money I haven’t earned.

I don’t know what it is that keeps your spirits up so seemingly high. I don’t know where you found the courage to pursue your dreams. I don’t know what my dreams even are.

I keep telling myself “This is going to be the week that you kick life in the face and really show the world what you’re made of. Grow the fuck up and make something of yourself.” but I never seem to listen. I don’t know where to start, and I’m caring less every day. I feel like I can already fast-forward to myself as the gray-haired fat guy clad in sweatpants, bewildered and wandering the aisles of wal-mart.

I’m not taking myself too seriously here, and I guess it’s not all that bad. But I’m sitting here accomplishing NOTHING and I have nobody to scream at about how frustrating all this is at the moment.